JOIN THE LAUGHTER AND THE LOVE!
Mrs. Rabinowitz’s advice column is like a warm bowl of matzo ball soup for your soul – soothing and satisfying.
Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: What’s the best way to convince people how important Israel is?
MR: Get them to visit Israel. No words can compete with a week in the Holy Land. Love at first sight. It’s why Birthright is so effective. It’s why we try to get as many politicians to visit as possible. It’s why people of every religion who have seen the country— support the country. By the way — my sister-in-law Sonia was in Israel last year. Most peaceful summer I’ve had since she moved next to me in Delray 20 years ago
Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: My wife is 34 and very forward. I am 91 and somewhat shy. Sometimes while we’re watching TV she’ll say “let’s go upstairs and make love.” What should I tell her?
MR: At your age, I’d tell her “it’s either one or the other.”
Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: Last Passover, my 18-year-old cousin Larry refused to open the door for Elijah, claiming that if the prophet ever did show up, he could ring the bell or call Larry’s cell phone. I think this is crazy, but I’m not sure what to say to my cousin.
MR: My first question is how would Elijah get Larry’s cell phone number? Did they meet at a Hillel event? Craigslist? Your cousin’s clearly a moron. But — I actually agree with him that the door should remain closed — as long as he is on the other side of it.
Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: When I was Bat Mitzvahed 40 years ago, someone planted a tree for me in Israel. Now I’m going over there for the first time. What are my odds of finding it?
MR: First — let me ask you something. What do you think the chances are of me and George Clooney getting married? I’m not really sure either — but they’re better than you finding the tree.
Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: Passover is next month. Is it rude to not participate in responsive reading during a Seder?
MR: Well, there are a couple of acceptable excuses. Like — if a Clydesdale stood on your windpipe or you swallowed a shoe. Either of those happen to you sweetheart? Of course it’s rude to not speak! I have a question for you: What kind of schmo asks a question like that?
Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: My husband of 56 years decided to buy a new dog with no discussion. It is a very cute dog, but I feel he was rude and inconsiderate to just show up with it. Any advice?
MR: Keep the dog. Lose the husband.
Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: I’m a 26 year old single female. What’s the first thing I should look for in a man?
MR: A yarmulke. (I mean this is a Jewish advice column. What do you expect me to tell you — go look for somebody that rides in the rodeo?)
Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: I’m worried about what the world will be like for my grandchildren and future generations of Jews. Anything I can do?
MR: Yes — you can go online and sign something called The Jewish Future Promise — a cost free way to ensure that Jewish identity, traditions, and values remain strong in the future. Alternatively, you could be like my sister-in-law Seydel Gold and sit on your tuchos all day doing nothing.
