Mrs. Rabinowitz’s advice column is like a warm bowl of matzo ball soup for your soul – soothing and satisfying.

Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: Last Passover, my 18-year-old cousin Larry refused to open the door for Elijah, claiming that if the prophet ever did show up, he could ring the bell or call Larry’s cell phone. I think this is crazy, but I’m not sure what to say to my cousin.

MR: My first question is how would Elijah get Larry’s cell phone number? Did they meet at a Hillel event? Craigslist? Your cousin’s clearly a moron. But — I actually agree with him that the door should remain closed — as long as he is on the other side of it.

Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: When I was Bat Mitzvahed 40 years ago, someone planted a tree for me in Israel. Now I’m going over there for the first time. What are my odds of finding it?

MR: First — let me ask you something. What do you think the chances are of me and George Clooney getting married? I’m not really sure either — but they’re better than you finding the tree.

Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: Passover is next month. Is it rude to not participate in responsive reading during a Seder?

MR: Well, there are a couple of acceptable excuses. Like — if a Clydesdale stood on your windpipe or you swallowed a shoe. Either of those happen to you sweetheart? Of course it’s rude to not speak! I have a question for you: What kind of schmo asks a question like that?

Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: My husband of 56 years decided to buy a new dog with no discussion. It is a very cute dog, but I feel he was rude and inconsiderate to just show up with it. Any advice?

MR: Keep the dog. Lose the husband.

Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: I’m a 26 year old single female. What’s the first thing I should look for in a man?

MR: A yarmulke. (I mean this is a Jewish advice column. What do you expect me to tell you — go look for somebody that rides in the rodeo?)

Dear Mrs. Rabinowitz: I’m worried about what the world will be like for my grandchildren and future generations of Jews. Anything I can do?

MR: Yes — you can go online and sign something called The Jewish Future Promise — a cost free way to ensure that Jewish identity, traditions, and values remain strong in the future. Alternatively, you could be like my sister-in-law Seydel Gold and sit on your tuchos all day doing nothing.